Four years of treatment, a fried heart valve replacement due to radiation. Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? He then sits and reads for hours on end. Like Nike says, just do it. We started dating in high school and never separated. Honor us with attention and physical contact. I just want to rebuild my life again, move on, be kissed and touched! Ive tried everything I can think of but Ive given up. What to do about it: If you've talked about all the other reasons on this list and mutually feel great about your relationship (talk to her about thisdon't assume! Wish she would just say so. I tried internet sex and while interesting it is not enough. He will once in a while hold my hand for about a minute and always gives me a peck on the check before he goes to bed. It will only create more distance between you. Men are not brain dead. Go be the cat lady then. And you are wasting your life . That was 28 years ago. For others that are on the borderline of this happening: Laura. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. Why do men who want more sex end up insulting someone who has a pet? and hugs when one of us leaves the house. Men, if you want sex and the answer at home is no, you can accept that the last time you had sex will be it until you die. Get some technique. Will, I dont see ruling the relationship and demanding that a wife relieve her husband, even if shes sore or unwilling, as a solution to anything except an unhappy wife. Susan!!! Hmmm. I dont care what age this happens to a man, somehow the blame goes to the woman for not looking her best,gaining weight, busy with the kids, not willing to give oral sex and the list goes on and on. Cheating just isnt in me. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. Its time to change your strategy. I have stayed in the marriage because of my kids and other family issues which go beyond this comment. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. There is only one person I love adore and desire. When she was in the mood, my wife really enjoyed sex and had great orgasms, but that mood hit less and less frequently. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. struggles or clinical depression? I am familiar with all of this and I kept silent for a very long time. if you want to get married for children just understand that your wife will stop wanting to have sex with you after she gets her babies. She even stopped expressing affection such as hand holding, goodbye kisses, etc. All information is confidential. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. I want to turn things around and not give up but its a huge blow to what I thought marriage and my life would be. I have to listen to her telling me I am fat etc. There is a disconnect, a lack of communication and a lot of arguments. Why would anyone want to have sex with your pessimistic, crotchety, excuse-ridden ass? Dont you love anything? Because we always hear guys complaining! We went to separate colleges and this was before cell phones and computers. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? There is a limit to everything and this crosses that line. It literally changed our lives. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . I would love to be greeted with a smile, a cuddle a thoughtful touch but nothing. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. I am very hormonal being athletic and take DHEA supplements which enhance desire. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. 1. Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as, , improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and. I read this article, and it sounds easy to find therapy/solutions. I sincerely hope is wife is open to exploring options. When a woman looses her ovaries and/or had a hysterectomy the sex drive goes. 9. Because I am not attractive to her. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. So its a trope that the man is always the one with the higher desire and the one left frustrated. I was her first love. In this new gynocentric west, the only answer is to find non-western women or women who were not raised in the west. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? But it will quickly fade again once their needs are met. We had a normal sex life up till last year 3/4 times a week, but at Christmas, during the middle of the day, where our 2 daughters could have walked downstairs and seen him, I happened to come around the corner near his office to see him standing there watching porn and masturbating, after we just had sex that morning. **The husband has NO right to sex, or anything else. contrasts what my Wife and her 7 siblings and and an unstable Mother made her as the oldest have us take in 2 of her brothers early in our marriage. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? A pill? My other half sees it as rejection and makes angry threats. Leaving her is not an option. It has worked for me and I highly recommend it as an alternative to just giving up. Thanks for listening. But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. If thats the case, try to build a successful relationship after cheating; own up to your mistakes, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and assure her that its all in the past. Sorry about no sex demise. Just a thought. For fucks sake man. I end up feeling bad about this as I think I should not be obsessing about it as she often says. Thank God I love to ski. I know this because that is what I do, but I have never been more unhappy in my life. For the months it was possible, I felt like a real man again, and much stronger at home and work. And that's perfectly fine! I have noticed in the last two months that most forms of affection have dissapeared. The problem with respecting a partner who doesnt want sex any longer, is that the other person who does want sex needs to be respected too. Have some fun with someone now and then would help .. any reply on if cheating what to look at to find someone Where???? Please, do us all a favor and retire from the one thing you SHOULD be retiring from-giving advice. And Im okay with that. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. Rob you are right on, God set this up with every male, as we get older the desire goes down but not away. var d = document, s = d.createElement('script'); Well said my friend. Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. 2. Married 36 years, neither of us had sex with anyone including each other until our wedding night: It was tough, but my choice. Its one thing to have trouble with arousal, or other sexual difficulties. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Stay single, young men, Marriage is not for you. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think we are all sexual beings with desire. How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? I have done the majority of housework including doing the major role of raising our children from Pre school to leaving home. But no sex. I know that it sounds crazy but I never thought about it but that part of our problem came to a head after our 35 year old son (our only child) was killed in an on the job accident. I realized after marriage that I married her for the wrong reason, more of a rebound to fill something torn from me so abruptly, the love for my previous family(wife and children). Yeah. Open a conversation with your wife about how she's feeling about you and the marriage, big picture, and go from there. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy. I am 55, my husband is 59. Too bad, b/c I think Id be better for him than she could ever be. That was 20 years ago. . Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! When he gets it, his wife & children are covered in security & abundance. There are many exceptions, but if you dont want me let me go elsewhere. We havent had sex in over a year and a half because of my wifes lack of interest. I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. Engage in thought-provoking discussions, make new friends, and share resources all on a safe and ad-free platform. I dont think I would like my son or daughter tell me what to do in the bedroom. Underlying medical problems The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. It is equally open to the man to be charitable by eating alone. Hes no longer a sexy looking man, doesnt care about trying to make himself better, I still fight to try to look really good, no matter how I feel. She has just lost interest. My wife and I now both sleep with settled stomachs (and I dont wake hungry in the night). It pains Mike and me to hear that women can suffer this way too. Start your own discussion on this topic on Senior Planet Community. I cannot hurt him. And yeah I can pleasure myself, but that will never be like the real thing. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. 20yrs old. Its a bummer most times. Then,move on. A very wise woman my grandma. He wears it and with a little imagination it can work just like the real thing. I am a 52 year old woman who has had a hysterectomy and has gone through menopause and I have always had a high libido and still do. 2. First, do not deny your needs any more than you would deny yourself your favorite food, movie, book or music. Do we risk our grown children finding out and not understanding? The one thing she always wants when she touches me is that I come on her tits.which I love. Im 69 and still active. The last time we had sex with lubrication, she complained of pain and suggested that beyond a few minutes, she was not interested. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? Well a few years ago sex began to get less and less. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. 17) She doesn't try to make you feel better anymore. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. Many marriages have been ruin, husband are sad, desperate, when wives started to isolate themselves. Some women have no idea of how belittled this makes a man feel, and its not just a matter of getting our rocks off since we can do that ourselves. Prior to that, for seven years, we would occasionally engage in oral, which was unsatisfying since it was one sided and felt mechanical. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. Always happy to help. Its been over three months since weve had sex. Now after almost 50 years of marriage, I get two aging people going through the motions of life with a hug and a quick peck on the lips because to desire more means I am stressing him out or asking too much. Im throwing my partner out the door due to his rants and anger over lack of sex. Sounds like you were already successful and that attracted her to you. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. Absolute rubbish! Im really suffering. Why is it that Men are the ones left out in the cold Masturbating in the dark. I married, not for love but because was told I could do worse. I am 52, married for 25yrs and sex has dwindled down to once every year or two. Hello fingers!! Its strictly psychological as I have no problems when alone or watching porn, which she is totally against. It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. I want to figure out myself and fix my own issues so I can be a great mom and wife but I feel like is a waste of time to try to fix my marriage because its broken down and Im emotionally drained and I just want to focus on my kids. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? Sucks to be me, right! If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. I totally understand your story. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). Loved and desired! Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. If you are tired of initiating intimacy and your wife doesnt want sex anymore, it may be time to consider marriage counseling. She asked me to get castrated because Sex is hurting her. Most importantly, talk to her about it! That you are incapable or unwilling to engage in a relationship with a woman as an equal says a lot more about you than it does about marriage. I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. Harley, I am doing none of those things. She had here ovaries removed due to cancer risk, after sex was painful and pussy all dried up, tried lubes and no luck and still painful when my rock hard penis went in her sweet pussy. }; I was looking forward to my sexual freedom and massive quantities of sex and orgasms. When I say intimacy, I do not mean just intercourse. Most dont ever have this figured out. How about just being happy with love and affection? Hi Monica, You ladies need to get hip on new Sex Play & Sex Toys, My wife of 1yr,(she is 73) ( Im 77) We were having sex every nite & 3 times on weekendsand it all came to a STOP about a month ago. Same here except I m 75 he is 80. Our devastation has completely made intimacy and sex impossible. I have given up trying since the rejections and sometimes total indifference is devastating. Sometimes the answers are only inside of us. I just dont get it. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. Thanks for your candid note. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. Research published by the National Marriage Project found that couples who make time for date night experience benefits, such as increased sexual satisfaction, improved communication skills, and injecting excitement and passion back into their relationship. I am male. Guess were done here . He may still be impotent after surgery, no guarantees. I get it and don't want to add to her stress. The lack of interested finally scuttled her interest to find help. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. If your wife wont have sex, it could be that she just doesnt feel close to you anymore, and the idea of being intimate makes her feel too vulnerable. Then she was diagnosed with scleroderma shortly before I had a kidney transplant. Ive communicated my feelings to him many times. I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. I am not happy at not having anymore sex in my life at age 64, but I do care for her and she does care for me, not in the sexual way of course. Its just not worth my time to talk to her, all I get is whining, complaining and thats exhausting. I had to fend for myself, and I could have done that before we were married. Mostly sexless for ten years and when I talk to her she just says, Im not attracted to you anymore, so get a girlfriend. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. It is a great resource for relationship help. In most cases, Ive seen that men dont realize and acknowledge the needs of their wives. My wife and I have been in couples therapy now for about 3 years, and while it has helped our relationship a lot, nothing going on sexually. Lack of interest does not equate to lack of love. Your wife may simply just not want sex as regularly as you do, and she may not even know how important sex is to you. Cancer is pretty much a death sentence. If your wife has recently lost interest in sex, it might be tied to her feelings about her body these days. The scenario you posited is anything but. Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! about this, nothing will change. I pay 90% of the bills, cook most of the meals, and clean (wash my own cloths). Dont men throb? "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. I know at times shes felt my touching was just for sex, and at times she was right. It is time to say, I am horny as hell, and I am tired of pretending I am not because I am over 50!. Theres always a lot going on in the Senior Planet universe. I only wrote this, to just say it. Its just torturing me for no reason. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. Reality, we can go easy one yr without sex, he doesnt touch me,nada! Hope now your problem will be solved. All this can cause a person to go into anger and hibernate. Almost all new moms experience what is medically described as the baby blues a sudden feeling of sadness after giving birth, coupled with mood swings and irritability, among other symptoms. People might think Im lonely but Im not, I work alone and I get all the right answers talking to my self. She started the menopause change about 3 years ago, however sex prior to that was maybe every few months for probably 7 years. I miss the simple things. My ex was 16 years younger then me. I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. At your age, dont run until you exhaust all your options. We had sex once last year and it had been a while prior to that, but she told me that due to the pain and all, she doesnt want to do it any more. When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff. State your case, either put out or leave me get some on the side, because you dont care. Who knows, maybe something will change as nothing stays the same. Learning how to communicate and experience life myself . When I have a follow up, with a surgeon next month, even though it is not cancer, I will discuss wether or not I should give up the vaginal hormone. If its just drynesswhich is common as women ageas well as using lubricant youll also want to be sure that your wife is aroused, even before any genital touching. Its super annoying if he touches my breasts because I get aroused and then we just cant get it going and then so much unanswered frustration comes. If us men were all so lucky! My wife and I have been a couple for 51 years (since 1971). Im 87 years young and my vibrator is busy. . There is no hope for this relationship. What should the husband do. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. Where is their allegiance to you? He does not have ED or any similar issue, wont see a therapist or talk about this, and he becomes angry and defensive if I bring up sex or hug him or show any affection. It may also be helpful for her to speak with her doctor to see if there are other treatment options that might help. Wish I could off you more of a solution but I think things either go on the way they are or there has to be come conclusion. Since this is our first child, I dont even know whats normal and what isnt. What shallow view of the problem. Anyway, I think when one person in a marriage comes to the point my husband is at and apparently yours is too a therapist is really the only answer. Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). My husband and I have been married 6 years. So, maybe you need to think about going back to being friends and not husband and wife? He worked constantly on the mid night shift away from me. I offered my husband a quick and easy as possible divorce. Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. mine forgot my birthday this year (it is 2 days before his lol) and our wedding anniversary : ( I can not compete with his online game omg he plays 24-7 so I can relate to your problem with your wife choosing the phone over you thats cold. She wants no part of it. If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. Another reason my wife never initiates physical contact may be due to hormonal changes. Should a wife forsake any of these advantages for the principle of equality? she says when she and I are close she gets panic attacks and anxiety attacks. 90% of my enjoyment of sex is seeing her turned on an having a rip roaring time. It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. I cannot believe that is wasnt suggested that the LWs wife work with a functional doctor who can work with plant based bio identical hormones that can probably increase her desire. LoL. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. No doubt youre frustrated. This isnt totally new for him either. Sex was great and plentiful in beginning (weve been together 32yrs), but he has lost all interest and I havent had sex in years. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things.