why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness why do i feel responsible for my family's happiness

4 Ways to Handle It, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-illness-overview/how-to-find-mental-health, https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-refer, Mind-Reading and Projecting in Social Anxiety, 12 Lies Anxiety Tells You That Keep You Anxious and Fearful, How to Stop Worrying About Mistakes and Reduce Anxiety, HONcode standard for You cant control the weather, the genes you were born with, diseases that have no cure, or the fact that you are getting older. One of the reasons I can't do my hw is I know it'll make me happy but that makes me feel uncomfortable because I've spent my whole life worrying about her happiness and her needs while sacrificing mine. It might even feel selfish NOT to intervene and take care of things. Misery-Maker 5: Blaming other people and situations for things you can control or passively accepting what you could change. Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place. Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Happiness is an individual responsibility. Remember to breathe and to stay open and loving toward your partner. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. What can I do? She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. That is unavoidable and natural. (2016, May 5). It can help you achieve your goals and objectives in any area of your life. It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child. Misery-Maker 7: Comparing yourself to others. They will die if you leavelife isn't worth living. There's a huge difference between having empathy for your partner and being attuned to their emotions, and adopting your partner's mood anytime it changes, regardless of how you actually feel . You might also like to check out my Living with Ease courseor visit mySelf-Care Shop. Queen Victoria seems to have written the guidebook for narcissistic mothers. Sometimes I believe that all parents do things for their. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) Getting to know her personally has been inspiring. Tell her she is responsible for her own happiness. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. Counselors told us to pull back, only visit her once a week, and to leave when the conversation gets ugly. People to sit quietly and hold space for us. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. My parents moved down the street from me 15 years ago. You feel it's your fault when other people feel bad. It is not our job to make our kids happy. Any suggestions? Best wishes! Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. Well, I don't HAVE any friends! I was finally able to BREATHE. My wife might have been in that. Some people maintain a basic core belief (click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs) that if our partner feels pain, it is our responsibility or fault, and we must fix them, cheer them up, give them a hug, protect them, and so on. Gradually, make choices much more in harmony with your True Self. Say no to activities and people that drain your self-confidence and energy. If you can stay grounded and not retreat and apologize for what you just said, over time your partner may return to this topic with a question or may wish to share his or her own hurt on this matter. One of the practices is a beautiful prayer that will help you release the desire to fix someone or be responsible for their happiness. The two add up to the fear that we'll be overwhelmed by each other's needs, giving up ourselves if we give anything to these adult relatives. You're sensitive and compassionate. While you cant fix someone else or be responsible for their happiness, heres what you can do. In the last year I have had many an some very serious reasons to worry about an try to help family members. She makes me mad. Brrr. But we forget interdependence or weve never heard of it to begin with. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. Sometimes, it may not feel this way because you often act out of habit and long-standingmental and emotional patterns. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. My husband has taken this thought process to the extreme, or at least it feels that way. Unless you are writing a novel or a screenplay, using your imagination to spin tales that are outrageous, hurtful, or even horrifying can be harmful to your sanity and peace of mind. You can create an exercise program. Emotional validation is the process of learning about, understanding, and expressing acceptance of another person's emotional experience. People who can grow from their setbacks are more likely to succeed and to feel better about themselves. Nope. Talk to her MD about her destructive behavior and see if he can't give her an antidepressant. Most of us have been taught that we are responsible for our loved ones feelingsthat we need to make sure they're not feeling sad or lonely. Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. Taking drugs. I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. 6. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Even if they dont believe, there is a guidance that we believe in that we have to trust is protecting them and guiding them. Your local library might have this book, as she's so well-known. Parents establish those feelings of safety by practicing deep listening and unconditional love. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. I thought it was going to be a historical documentary and was amazed to find it was the story of my family. The painful memory crossed Grandmother's face. One you can do. Youll be able to show up for them when theyre ready to show up for themselves. I have felt responsible for my moms happiness due to guilt and after she passed feel responsible for her death. Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. A Course in Miracles teaches that spirit accepts and the ego analyzes. For more guidance on what it truly means to accept and forgive, check out this blog post on forgiveness. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. My parents are in a nursing facility. Over time, a sense of freedom will arise in the relationship, and you will feel freer to share what you feel. I really need to break this behavior. I will go and borrow the book from my library today, that sounds great. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. Maybe you'll find that you enjoy being in this relationship when you can be true to yourself, or maybe you'll discover that you want to live on your own again. My mom will call me and say "Are you out with your FRIENDS? Sometimes it's easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. What we need are patient, loving witnesses. How to Stop the Misery: Notice your own belief system about change. How much time did it waste away? Being responsible brings us many benefits. Use a little bit of his empty shelf space for a few of your things, finish the show you're watching when he comes in the room, etc. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! If you ever try to fix other peoples problems or make yourself responsible for their happiness, I hope the tips I offer in this post will help you to release that need. Sometimes its easier to blame yourself for a problem than to accept that the situation was never within your control. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of things going on at the ALF that she chooses NOT to do, for one reason or another. Pick one thing to start with and build from there. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Behind their backs it's another story entirely. I made a life here and have a full life with many friends. Can I claim them on my taxes? Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It can sometimes be easier to start with behaviors/actions. You feel mortified when something goes wrong at work, even when its a team effort. This question has been closed for answers. Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. Are you causing your own suffering? The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. The more you repeat a new behavior, the more habitual it will become. It can be humbling to realize youre not responsible for everything. Hi Todd. But if you decide to take full responsibility for yourself, you can learn to step back from these patterns and make happier and healthier choices. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. Do you often try to help your friends, family members, or even coworkers or acquaintances fix their problems? There is no reason for you to feel guilty. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. You can speak up for yourself. The most unloving thing we can do is try to change them. And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another person's happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. Example [ extreme] you have the right to use drugs because you think it makes you happy. Through acceptance you release the resistance youve placed within your relationship, clearing the way for healing and for you to access more loving thoughts and feelings. spirituality, My Interview on Oprahs SuperSoul Sunday, Blogs by: E.B. Your unsolicited help is a way of controlling and judging them. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. Again, huge thanks for taking the time to reply to this question and for your caring response. Realizing that you are helpless in a situation can often be more terrifying than the false but oddly comforting belief that you have control. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. This site complies with the HONcode standard for Then we suffer if we cant. You do not have the right to engage in actions that will bring sorrow to your family. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. It sounds like you've been through a lot starting when you were very young and carrying that into adulthood. If you want someone to understand you, speak up. Use compassion to tame your inner critic and remind yourself that its okay to have these emotions. Thats not to say we shouldnt feel good when things go well. I find her work in general very helpful for living peacefully with yourself. Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. I feel all their problems are because of me and I am worthless and cannot ever do anything to repay for what they are doing for me. Success is staying with them while they cry. But theres a difference between loving and supporting someone and trying to fix their problems and make them happy. That does not mean being oblivious to their hurt. To his surprise, his wife wasnt insulted but rather released a deep, spontaneous laugh. How do you deal with a narcissistic mother? Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. As common as this is, there isn't a lot of literature dedicated specifically to this topic. Why are holidays always an issue and elder parents exert their control? Slowly the relationship becomes a dangerous place where you don't want to share your pain in order not to hurt your partner (because your pain = their problem). At that instant, they both experienced a novel moment of a differentiated relationshiphe shared his honest pain, in the shape of avoidance, and she was able to "let it land," because he didnt try to censor himself to protect her. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him.