Dating the same man again. But the pain of all of it never really went away. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. Its been nearly 3 years (which I suppose is not that long really, but it feels like a long time to be so sad) and I cry every day, in private, so hard sometimes that Im not sure I will be able to stop. Joanne, Thank you Joanne. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Today would have been our 48th wedding anniversary. Add in a young child, and the other spouse refusing to work on things, rather, cut bait and get out immediately with no reason. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. Your piece really spoke to me. Not everyone makes it to acceptance. Grand children . Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. We all grieve differently. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. You arent able to find joy in your life as it is. As Cheryl Lawrence says above, I live with dead dreams. 11. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. I struggle through. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. We all grieve differently. Effects of Divorce on Children: 6 to 11 Years Old. After 28 years, my husband wanted a life with a very younger woman and has subsequently erased his family. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. This is an excellent explaination of how divorce has affected me. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. Not only would they not understand, but they would wonder if it all was just for revenge. Divorce is like living with a painful wound with which you learn to live for a very long time. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. Our daughter is getting married this year, to a lovely chap but my cynicism remembers the lovely young chap I put my faith and future in! Time does not heal all wounds. Thank you for putting your experience to paper which identifies the common pain we shareand doing it so perfectly. The deep pain of losing a relationship is based on the belief that your peace and your joy lies within the other person, and without them, you have no access to these feelings. We are expected to be resilient after a major loss or major life event such as divorce. I will say this never again will I give any women a chance to hurt me . Related: Healing From A Relationship With A Narcissist Before jumping ahead to the realities of life after divorce from a narcissist, it's worth summarizing the tell-tale traits of self-absorbed personality.. 7 Traits of a Narcissist I initiated it. Instead, there is the story of the three of us together, of something in me irrevocably fractured, and I can only hope, less so in my sons. It becomes manageable, but thats about it. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. } Divorce at this point takes the order of the day. 21. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! Espcially this: Then I feel the empty space profoundly not for a man I do not miss but where a family history of four ought to be. Yes, indeed. I do hope this improves with time. Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. we see each other all the time with that and every smell and sound and sight reminds me of her and how my family was and could be .. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. Thank God I found this. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over We just needed to voice our shared experience. To become part of the DivorcedMoms writing team, click submit below for our guidelines. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. I'm mad, yelling, and feel like I can't breathe. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. But, in doing so I destroyed all respect for my Ex. Many men divorce and move on in just a few months, while others take years to go . Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. As a man who was left behind almost 6 years ago and has been parallel parenting two daughters since, I will simply say that I identify with what you wrote. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex. A ten-year marriage is also considered to be a long-term marriage by the Social Security Administration. "acceptedAnswer": { My experience is the same as a husband. Lest you think thats all there is, I repeat: These days, life is pretty good. The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. God bless you! Village historic. I feel very lost again. And your words resonate. Now my one son and his fianc are choosing the dads side and have minimal contact with my older son, my husband and myself. Ive tried everything to move on, apart from actively seeking another partner. I am coming to terms with that but its hard. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. You Will Grieve After Divorce, And It's Painful As Hell. My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. You really cant talk to anyone about it. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. I live my life, then something triggers the pain all over again, even a simple thing like a beautiful sunset: why isnt he here to share this? Its like a phantom limb. I barely get 3 hours a night sleep and am super lucky if I get 4 hours, while he goes on cruises several times a year and vacations several times a year with his new wife. I saw my ex at a social function. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? I feel I am now existing in some sort of dreadful limbo. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I would have been able to still respect him. Do things you wish you would have done and still can do. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. She on the other hand has had a new home built, and is working at a job that pays her 6 figures. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. 25 years gone after her affair. Absolutely. If we don't bounce back, that means the healing is. Which is sad because we still get along, AOL and I. Its very hard to move on and not think or focus on the should of, would of and could of. A divorce can be painful for both people - start new . I never imagined the heart would be in such conflict with the mind. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. Ray J . from their father when they need us both. There is so much I can be happy about now. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . But it still hurts and may always. 0. My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. as if they knew everything about my marriage and had the right to judge from their high moral (usually married) position. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. She is very busy socially and at work. To do that, you must first understand your divorce hangover. I trust in God to get me through until the end. Divorce can be worse than dying. Im deeply sad about the while situation and got the whole just get over it speech from my therapist this afternoon. I didn't know if I'd ever allow myself to fall in love again after my marriage ended but here I was. Its like I never existed in her world. the pain is there every day . But also: stronger relationships with their kids, finding peace, and settling into a new sense of normal that feels, well, okay. I am glad I read this. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . Thank you for sharing. Time is supposed to heal us and all our wounds. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. If you continue drinking to avert suffering, then this will never help you to heal, and your emotions towards life will only worsen. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. He was my one and only love and there will not be another, whilst he has remarried a girl in SE Asia who is only 25 years old. Nobody really understands. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . I was 21 and immature and didn't know how to communicate in a healthy manner & I have an . And my bitterness prevents me from speaking to her, despite her efforts to remain friends. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. It is nice to know there are others out there besides me. Through much pain and even more growth, Ive built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. Some changed for the better, some are still works in progress. Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach.