They arent bad people because of it. Happens all the time. There is no way to know this. But that doesnt change the fact that these people are eating each other alive. If she doesnt, DO NOT have sex with her. Does he think hes too old to be a dad? Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. He is also probably telling all sorts of lies to keep the LW with him. There were no hard feelings). But I believe theres a definite difference. I disagreed with a lot of your comments but I still enjoyed them. 99 % of people would necessarily mean about 99 % of women. Going through a breakup can be tough.It can leave you feeling restless and struggling to fill the white space left behind by the relationship. Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. However, sure, something unexpected and life-altering happened to him, and hes upset, so surely hes an idiot. I was a completely amicable situation and hes had no issue with this arrangement and its been many years. Now its your turn to sit in her chair, Dr. Sherry,My fianc cheated, we broke up but then got back together. You sure arent one. Notwithstanding the fact that birth control sometimes fails, hes signing up for sex, not fatherhood. Painted_lady reader, Junebug2589+, writes (22 November 2008): A female You mean, he should decide whether or not he leaves a kid constantly yearning for attention theyll never get? She came first. First, abandoned is a bit misleading, since (a) we dont know that theyd broken up before or after she discovered she was pregnant and (b) hes agreed to pay for the child. I cant help but think just as she has a choice to abort, keep or put up for adoption, he too has a choice and while not admirable, it may be for the best. unfortunately, ive seen more than one person take pills the wrong way (whether it be because they forget, dont take it at exactly the same time, dont pay attention to warnings about drug interactions, etc). Email usyour questions for Dr. Sherry now and be sure to include Ask Dr. Sherry in the subject line. Thats the risk that you take. So, this man had sex with a women while he was unattached and not under any commitment, and that makes him scum? Because she accidentally got pregnant with his child? People think LW is out of line, because she has no right to be pissed at this women for wanting to keep a child, and no right to make up reasons why she is having this baby in the first place. We only have sex if were ready to be a father? Chuck(le) Dont ever sleep with someone mean or stupid, because if you get pregnant, youre going to be tied to that person for the rest of your childs life. And I was like, Ewww, Mom, thats gross! But it was great advice, and Ive always followed it. And not surprisingly, the name callers are all female. That line of reasoning is fine but condescending only for those who never in their entire lives have ever done anything that might have resulted in something unexpected (and unwanted) happening. it comes across really condescending and I think it makes people take your reasoning less seriously. Continuing along the lines of what John Rohan said above (maybe way above, because Im at work and my reply will take some time to type surreptitiously): The LW and the guy broke up. Seriously, there are as many babies in my class as there are classmates. If there is no child at conception Hes scum for directing his fury at anyone other than himself. Sad that the life you thought was going to happen when you got back with the BF is going to get messier? and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. Beyond that, no one really cares that he jumped in bed with another woman right after they broke up only to decide that he cant live without her after getting said woman pregnant. honeybeenicki But still. It is due to his own stupidity if he thought that a single sexual encounter could not produce a child, that birth control pills would definitely prevent him from impregnating someone or that he could legally opt out if a pregnancy occurred. im just annoyed that so many people (at least many of the LWs here) act as if birth control or std prevention isnt something they need to worry about. Ill bite. You dont ask women to have abortions unless youre scum. After reading your comment, all I wanna say is, AfuckingMEN. No one is forcing any woman to have the child and much less to keep it. John Rohan The plain truth is your boyfriend did not think about the consequences of unprotected sex (STDs anyone?) Oh, and I dont hate women who get child support. And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. never again! End. The entire point of my post(s) is that the paternity laws in this country (which is a central consideration of the letter and the story) are out of whack and unbalanced to the point of being unfairly punitive to men. Doesnt have to be romantically involved with this woman, but he wants nothing to do with the child that he helped to create, or the woman he cant stand. The father would divorce himself from the child and any obligations to the mother. I get from the tone of your letter that you are bitter. He ought to get a vesectomy since this guy is obviously carrying the manchild gene. April 10, 2012, 7:23 pm. You may think your partner was a good person, but that something was missing in the relationship. The fact that you are even considering getting back with this guy right now blows my mind. Again, if a woman chooses to have a baby against the fathers stated wishes (and the law of the land says this is completely and totally her choice), then that is her choice. But everything youve written here about the pregnancy and the well being of the child has made me look at things with fresh eyes. A human being on this earth that is 50% like you. The idea that he owes his life to her now that hes fathered her child is precisely the reason so many people are in unhappy marriages and there is such a high number of marital affairs. He might very well be an immature asshole. If you choose to roll those dice against any odds you have yourself to blame if they dont land in your favor. I would like to believe that someone near my dads own age would have more sense than this. Painted_lady And not even the most important part. I know youre just trying to tell us that the little scroat wont be able to trap him, buttttt it looks like you cant hold onto him either? . Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have.. Youre all about putting consequeces on her choice to keep the baby what about his consequences? He didnt invest in your relationship. And while not using a condom might not be the end all be all of crazy mistakes, he should have known better. By your logic, its just as much the waiters fault for not making sure the kitchen used different gloves when she didnt bother to tell him just how severe her allergy was. Is that your position, or am I misinterpreting it? Here he chose not to wrap it up now he made a child. You are certainly not the first person in this situation, and its worked out well for others, so you relationship may not be *doomed*, but it will be certainly complicated. Francine ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. But were here to offer advice to LW, so I say evanscr05 is right: Dump this loser, yesterday. I also think hes kind of a jerk for having sex with someone he cant stand. The only ones who dont are the ones who dont ask for it and/or whom the court deems is unable or unfit to. Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. Reading your letter, you are far too immature to handle this. April 9, 2012, 10:04 pm. Its frustrating, but until then, there simply isnt much she can do. But I just don't know anymore. from the letter: I had no idea most women hated it. How about getting to know one another really well before having sex? Exactly; he sounds like a total loser, and how the hell would she ever be able to trust him going forward? April 9, 2012, 12:55 pm, Im sure there are many, many women who would argue that its not all rainbows and butterflies in attaining child support. because, no one can give you a 100% guarantee that none of that will happen. I believe that, in the case of consensual sex leading to pregnancy, both parties would be able to decide if they want to keep the child, and if the man doesnt and the woman does, she should bear full responsibility for child care, because it is a decision she has made. Francine Then how does the woman get off requiring the man to do it? April 9, 2012, 12:45 pm. Many women become habituated to the hormone regimen and begin ovulating again, even while on the pill. Now, I highly doubt the LWs boyfriends baby mother to be is psychotic as my friends former hook up. April 10, 2012, 12:44 pm. Okay, Tim. I dont see anything wrong with his points. Tell you what sunshine I promise that when men carry the children you all can decide about terminating the pregnancy too irrespective of your partners wants then we will have that equality you want so bad. The guy had sex with someone who got pregnant. Youre the one asserting that its only one sex that experiences unfairness. The laws are unfair because they arent designed to be fair to the PARENTS- theyre designed to work in the best interest of the innocent child that didnt choose to be born. Its only when a baby is involved is when men come to their senses and then have so much things to say like I didnt mean to hurt you, I barely knew her, or the famous line I was drunk. But I dont see anything in the letter that means he must be.. He must be a complete scumbag, because no one ever has sex without a condom unless they intend to have children or are scumbags. I dont care. This is clearly a heated topic, so Im not sure were all being purely logical about it. Wrap it up or dont have sex, thats the only choice YOU have. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. April 10, 2012, 4:51 pm. I hope you make sure he gets tested for STIs before you sleep with him again. But the issue is when he decided not to pull out but bust a load into a strangerhe took on that risk of possibily having the responsibility to pay for a kid for the next 18 years. when i was single i acted as if the other people i was involved with werent thinking about it. Then how does the woman get off require the man to do it? Women dont get off requiring men to do it. And oxygen. Babies come from the hospital. Nevertheless, if you choose to sleep with a guy that you are not in a relationship with or have only known for two months, without doubling up on the protection, and get pregnant and decide to keep the babyThen I think you should be aware that a situation like this may happen. That is not acceptable. It will have feelings too. I would also ask him to get an STD test because he had unprotected sex. Bottom line. Thanks for proving you and your ilk are out to entrap men to sustain your lifestyle by dropping as many babies as you can..and living on welfare checks honest people pay for..SLUT! And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? She has every right to be shocked and upset about the turn of the events, but the way she is reacting; blaming everything on the woman, judging her, calling HER names, is wrong and she comes off as an immature, witchy teenager. Parasites are all the same. Chuck Pelto April 9, 2012, 4:44 pm. Why are people here creating scenarios that arent in the letter? And alimony is given to whichever spouse made less income, not women as a rule. You want to work on your social skills. Now. Seven months later he tells you that while you were gone, and in order for him to get over you he met someone else and now shes pregnant. Abortion and adoption are both horrifying thoughts to Susie but she has no choice. When someone else makes a decision that massively affects my life for the worse and disregards my preferences, it makes me angry and frustrated. April 9, 2012, 12:23 pm. The misogyny is the implication that this somehow makes it easy for a woman. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. Wheww. So yes, if she is trying to trap him, he should be furious at her. Abortion is a very personal choice and whether or not this woman chooses to have one is entirely HER business. April 10, 2012, 5:07 pm. Sorry to be so long-winded but it happens sometimes. However, since the pregnant ex of the LWs ex seems to want the child and seems to know the guys take on it, it is apparently her decision to bring a child into that reality. Youre wrong. How do you even know that his man was actually, really furious? Just as the guy needs to respect the ladys decision to keep it. Regardless of the law which I think is enforced far more often than not it seems wrong to me to argue that men have no control over whether a child is born but are legally bound to pay child support, whereas women can end the pregnancy or put the child up for adoption.