I believe you are on the right track, Ive been married to my N husband for 29 years. They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. I still get constant emails wishing me well and statements of regret and promises hoping Ill return someday. Hi While i think you mean well and im sure there are many you have helped. I offered for you to drive the new one but you said no its ok, I drive the old one. Never listens to a single word I say. to lie to me, break your promises and treat me badly for asking you to keep your promise. Everything is subtle. Narcissists thrive on conflict. #45&46, Hi Tanya. A person doing something in anger or acting irrationally often plays into the narcissist's narrative that the person has . Ive spent 13 years together following the dont ask what you get but what you can give policy. My ex of 12 years NPD and BPD has tried everything in his power to destroy me and our two girls. You must understand that Ive no family support to help me raise my 11 year old daughter and my family live in Oz, so this was a real blow to me Something snapped and I thought Right Im moving on. Whats sad.my 9 year old is already showing narcissistic tendencies. I found out after many years that my father had these traits, and I dated several men over the years very much like him. RUN RUN RUN if you can. No wonder I could not communicate with my husband! They project those feelings on to others and are not capable of empathy. 10 Ways A Narcissist Reacts When You Try To Hold Them Accountable. I kept leaving and going back to a spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically destructive marriage. I knew him for 6 years. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. How do I protect them? Nobody owes you self-denial of gratification, that is simply your own fascist narcissism at work and is an outgrowth of your insecurity. Hi Michelle, Please contact the help desk on our site (go to http://www.narcissismcured.com and look for a link) or respond to the one of my emails if you are on my list and someone will help you get the books you need. She curses in front of parents and kids, belittle me many of times.. It does hurt tremedously though because I do love him and wanted to marry him one day. Most of our communication has been through texts but Ive completely removed the emotion and now I have him helping me with my graphic design for my business and there he shall remain. She did not present any evidence but seems to have scared the wits out of my male bosses as she implied shed make a sexual harassment claim against them if they did nt follow suit. Him. A week before my birthday Im told that hes going away with his daughter to see his brother in Singapore and my birthday would be missed. Thanks for listening, and thanks Kim for continuing to keep this subject alive with informative articles and discussions. I gave him a choice he choose wrong and he is definitely suffering the consequences. One thing I am puzzled about is how do these people keep their jobs with all of the chaos they can cause such as in the case with Catherine. Still havent done anything legal Im nearly positive he never will (but oh, I was already wrong once! I have naturally done everything they tell you to to try to get a glimmer of anything out of him. In general, however, it is important to be clear and firm in setting boundaries with a . I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. I was shocked. He started his job about 6 months ago, since then, he has changed the way things were previously done by pointing out to those in charge how things were un-safehe told me his co workers call him health and safety for a nick namehe doesnt realise how I soooo get the name they have given him and I am afraid he has said too much at work. I switched tacks and did something close to what you described. The letter should be very matter of fact and unemotional and only stress your concern about him. Even though our finances (checking accounts and credit cards) as seperate we do live together and as it has been, I end up paying for most of the groceries, entertainment and the maintenance of our home (which I bought in my name only cuz his credit is messed up. I know to use more than just a paper towel and water to clean this up so it doesnt smell and is disinfected, but he knows better. So stop stalking them on social media or asking mutual friends about them. Is there a point when I can tell, he has decided he does not want to get better and is not planning to do so? I dont want to walk away but he is pushing me away so far and I just wonder how you all find the strength to continue the dance during times like that. Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. Narcissists have a very low tolerance for anyone questioning or debating them. I am wondering why Kim hasnt responded to meI immediately think, as he and his friends do, that it is because I am to blame for his leaving. Once you give them that negative attention they will hold it over your head. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. I was!!! He will never change, so the question is, are you willing and capable of putting all your dreams, goals and morals aside for a boyfriend. God is reasonable and fair, and doesnt expect anyone to live a life of torment within a union that lacks peace and love, and causes harm. I have experienced all of the above, married to a Narcissist with appears Sociopathic & bipolar tendencies as well. In the end, I regret trying to make him feel consequences. To reject a narcissist means you are rejecting the false self they have so carefully constructed to impress you. His needs, concerns, and issues are everything. I left him four months ago , but somehow I found myself in a state of sadness and heart brokenness I have never thought I can handle for such a long time . For years I thought eventually hed come back into my life. He calls me stupid bitch and screams in my face. They can tell you anything to make you feel sorry for them, sometimes when they do get it, they even apologize: but, so soon they repeat, rendering the apology useless. 6 Treatment might include cognitive behavioral therapy, or medicine to help reduce mood. He is a good person and has morals. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. I have survived and will be fine, regardless if he gets better or not! I dont have another day to waste with him. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) Remember if they do it once its happen again! 12) While driving the old car you locked yourself out one day and violently damaged the car trying to break into it causing hundreds of dollars of damage, instead of calling me to give you a spare key or calling a locksmith. 6 Walk away while they're talking. The majority of them do not change. Sigh:). (felt he didnt love me and felt I didnt have a partner). Simply put, for me.. sacrificing my life for a never ending torturous journey for no gain became an insane choice. We had a huge fight the other night have not really spoken in 3 days. Really tough though. He instantly claimed he did nothing wrong and tried to act like they were against both of us. 2) When returning from you deployment you told me your ex-wife was coming to town and bring the kids so they could see you. Hi Paula, You story is a great lesson for why it is so important when you are with someone like this that you stay on familiar ground and not get yourself isolated. The following is a summary of NPD from the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel of Mental Disorders) used by clinicians to diagnose and treat individuals with mental illness. 23.9K subscribers Subscribe 10 Share 80 views 1. This search engine reveals so much more. He decided to stay with me, but know the affair is just another tool for him to use to punish me. I relate to alot of what you are saying. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. After they are grown you can have whatever unhealthy or healhty relationship you want its your choice. He slandered her and he will slander me. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. I am very sad at the moment because after reading these comments I now think there is no hope of happiness for my daughter who I love dearly! I paid for the costs to maintain and repair the home since. You may find help there. He knows how to push my buttons to get me so fired up it turns into a raging fight. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. But women are usually the worst for believing every word he says. You have given so much to him you have to give back to yourself now so you can heal. 1)- i feel soo normal after reading all this knowing that there are other people like me, knowing why i have become a horrible woman who is vehemently cursing her husband and getting relief from it. Only within the last couple of years did I start studying manipulation techniques for something unrelated. Thank you Ann and Marie. If your energy comes from a place of love but no nonsense they will know that they are loved and will not persist in attacking you. Should I stop saving him by having sex with him when I dont feel like it because of his behavior? Once you obtain that, the cloud hoovering overhead will become smaller and smaller the sense of freedom and relief will ease and bring peace to your heart, mind, soul, and with Kim & Steves teachings overcoming our own gap work will ease putting strong boundaries in place. I felt more distant. You can't hold narcissists accountable; you just invite embittered counterattack. I know its not funny, but I know why the sales agent hung up. You had just gotten your tax return, which was plenty to cover the debt but when I asked you why you didnt use that, you said because you wanted to have money in the bank. 2. I will say, I was probably nearly every DSM diagnosis when he leftgetting better, have days of no tears and even feeling happy some days! By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. It is very enlightening. We made the agreement that we would split the payment and insurance in the meantime so you had a car to drive. I was thinking and came up with. Hi Butterfly and welcome (-: I understand your feelings entirely but here on this blog we do try and leave the decision to stay or go up to peoples own hearts if only because it is one of the very few places people who dont want to separate can come to get help. Making a narcissist accountable can result in them putting more effort into protecting themselves at the cost of everyone around them. He puts on quite a show at times. Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. I have tried to set the boundaries time and time again. So many of you sound as if youre writing about my husband. So unless youve got some ideas I dont know what to do except to talk to our doctor and see if they have any ideas that might help., I cant be late for work again and so I am sorry I cant drop you off today., I dont know how to handle you when you get so angry at me, and so from now on I am going to need to get someone who knows know how to handle angry people (the police?) This morning I get this txt from him And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. I have been doing when you suggested here. Is there law enforcement in your area that are likely to believe and protect you or is exposing the rape going to put you in further danger? Charlie, it really sounds like he is afraid. They will say that you are the angry one and that you need help,and walk away full of selfrighteousness. Dependency: You feel out of control and rely on the narcissist (often unwillingly . Its a hard call to make but its your choice. I need to know how to respond or do I respond? But talk about a grieving process to realize that all that you thought was real love was not. (exhausted). thanks!! You asked me to lend you the money to pay it off knowing that I made some money on the sale of my house, granted I did not have a new job yet after leaving my old one to move and am a single mom of two. I worked through all your books, eagerly. If I dont look at him in his eyes he says it is rude. 3 Remove all emotion from your reactions to them. Clever eh. Just food for thought. There is no physical abuse, no porn even, no substance abuse, no affairs, no secret spending. He cant sustain connection for any consistent amount of time. It made me feel alone too. And for the past year+ I have asked him repeatedly to tell me what made him so angrywhat can I do to make it upcant we work at thisand he has yet to tell meInstead, said hes never coming back, could never work, wont see me and talk face to face, and now fading away again (no calls no texts). Please dont ever stop! Kim writes a lot about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically and I couldnt agree with her more. I dont know how to get passed this hurdle, but I am willing to try because deep down, I believe he is a good man. Knowing that the trap exists, that one is a victim of a narcissist, is indeed the first step towards overcoming their effects on one's life. 2. I couldnt do it for him, it had to come to him. And unfortunately, the source has no idea why it loses statusand thats why it hurts so damned much. Let him ignore you, set your boundry and just walk off. That pain and confusion is enough to drive a person to behave in a way as to not recognize oneself. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. Protect your kids! I have been married to a NPD for almost 45 years and been with him 48. As of last night (all through text because he wont communicate these days any other way), I said I cant drag my daughter through this anymore. So..I learned alot because of this horrid person and a few others, and i will never repeat that kind of stupidity. I suggest, with respect, you get out of the way and let them learn their lessons. And she would gossip about me to my friends. They changed my attitude not his right away.. This meant I would not be able to see you for several days after you got back after you being gone for a year. 4. Thanks for all you do Kim! These people arent logical. I thought things would change they dont. They wont like what you are saying, but if you show genuine concern for them and let somebody else play the bad guy, you can keep your connection at the same time as setting a boundary. We have been online helping couplesfor over 8 years and hope we can help. In an article, "How Narcissistic Parenting Affects Children," Karyl McBride, Ph.D lists the following as just a few potential effects: The child won't feel heard or seen. And even more so, that he couldnt help me to get over it in any way, just in the contrary, he tried (and still tries) to belittle my concerns and even stir them up again and again to lower his own bad feelings about it. You Hold Them Accountable. 13) I found a house, got a loan and bought it and had to use my life insurance savings to pay for the down payment. You need to say that he will need to pay the excess or you will be forced to contact his work (parents) about the claim requesting that the excess be paid out of his pay. Another reveals the. This was NOT my desired outcome but a result of our unique situation and personalities, and was not the fault of any of the materials or tips Id used during the time I tried to rescue myself and the marriage. They intercept a forward progress. I cant thank you enough for all you do. 13 1 Sponsored by TruthFinder Have you ever googled yourself? It has been a while since i wrote last. of stress and terrors..overlooking tolerating praying about (God will not do for us what he equipped us to do for ourself) and my having temper storms at him. Now that part I dont understand. I will continue to work with the information provided by Kim and Steve in hopes that I might heal and not attract another person with NPD in the future.